You're my little dorito
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
you inspire me to be a worse person
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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