Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
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I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
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Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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