He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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