I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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