She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
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