I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I think I won the penis lottery.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
