U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
