how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
