oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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