it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
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And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
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If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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