When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
