Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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