And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
