Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize