i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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