4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
