She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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