I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
