a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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