I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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