I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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