I can text with my tongue
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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