I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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