My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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