I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
