The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
