last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize