I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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