New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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