Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
