Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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