That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
