He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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