gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
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Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
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I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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