Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
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