I hate your face
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
