I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
