Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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