look no pants
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I was not drunk enough for that final.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
