Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
