Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
