Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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