She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
