Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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