there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Randomize
