Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
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I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
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Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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