he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
