Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
