you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
