Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I supernannyed him into submission
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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