My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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