i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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