Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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