i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
